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 But there was no Dune, just a couple more days of texting, a “Whoa, so sorry I went off the grid over the weekend,” followed by another couple of days of texting, then nothing but me habitually scrolling to see if he’d watched my Instagram Stories. I might not have been so bothered if this were an isolated incident. But the same thing happened a couple of weeks ago with a work colleague. And before him the teacher guy, the hippie guy, the guy who I already sort of knew because we met at the pub with mutual friends, but then also matched on Hinge... basically, lots of guys.In previous columns, I put this behavior down to the way men tend to gamify sex. Like once they know you would have it with them, their interest wanes because it’s like they’ve “won” the game, so what’s the point in completing it? But I’m starting to think it’s more than this. That their tendency to lose interest swells up and encompasses more of their being than I thought.

I firmly believe that they’ve gained a horrible laziness and fear of interacting beyond a date. Something’s happened to them in the last 10 years that’s made dating them so much worse. Like the only way they know how to interact with women is by overpromising and then disappearing. They are really interested in the moment and then just... forget. I’m not even sure if they’re actively being bastards, there’s just this disconnect between their feelings and their behavior. Nothing sticks. It’s like they’ve got no object permanence.”I wasn’t quite sure what object permanence meant so I googled it. The term describes a child’s ability to know that objects continue to exist even though they can no longer be seen or heard. Most infants below a certain age cry when their toy is hidden from sight because they assume it’s vanished. It’s a bit like how men hold hands with you on a date and say, “You’d really get on with my friend Lara,” and then as soon as they get home they forget you and the connection you built together over the last four hours.

 

I’m not sure why this has happened. Maybe it’s the way dating apps have bred a culture of disposability, the sheer bulk of great women, something I don’t know how to articulate relating to capitalism? Should some professor do some research on this or something before it becomes even more endemic?He finished off by clarifying that it’s normal that the guy might appear to like you on the date. He’s sat right in front of you, a bit drunk. He wants to come home and tell his flatmates, “Yeah, she was great, I liked her.” It’s only with hindsight that he sees it wasn’t all that he built it up to be. That you touched your hair too much, or that it was weird that you mentioned how many followers you had on Instagram.He finished off by clarifying that it’s normal that the guy might appear to like you on the date. He’s sat right in front of you, a bit drunk. He wants to come home and tell his flatmates, “Yeah, she was great, I liked her.” It’s only with hindsight that he sees it wasn’t all that he built it up to be. That you touched your hair too much, or that it was weird that you mentioned how many followers you had on Instagram.